Allison: Hey, y’all--so, this week, totally my fault with the late re-cap from last week’s episode. I had a heavy night of TV watching, what with American Idol, Parenthood AND Project Runway. Oh, what a night of tears and sadness. Bittersweet smiles, remembering better times. And then, the sweet, perfect demise of a once-beloved character who had lived in this world just long enough. I mean, after Project Runway, I had to watch Parenthood just to cheer myself up.
Hillary here: it's not just Allison. I've been wrapping up last-minute book stuff, so forgot to get this one going.
I have to admit, I watched this episode prologue-style. Meaning, I watched the runway, all the while staring--unblinking--at my screen, wondering what sad set of circumstance brought about this tragedie de tristesse. Then I clicked “info” and looked at the program description. Bridesmaid dresses. (cue screeching violins) If kitten heels are the boiled carrots of footwear, then bridesmaid dresses are its less-impacting turnip cousin.
In defense of kitten heels: they’re nice for tall people and not as stressful on the knees. But I haven’t worn a pair in, like, ten years, so I might twist an ankle at this point.
And, yes. I know, I know--every bride out there thinks her bridesmaid dresses were perfect. Beautiful--that they were worn to luncheons and banquets and prom-chaperoning-adventures.
One of mine was worn to prom. Truth.
But really, those five little frocks I saw going down the runway on last week’s episode? I’ve seen most of them. In, like, Dillard’s. Or even JCPenney. How bad were they? I would buy them. Wear them, like to a luncheon or a banquet, or when I have to chaperone the Spring Formal at my Private Christian School in May. (except not the backless ones. I’d get fired)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA *wipes tear from eye*
So the episode opens up in Marchesa. But, to really appreciate where we are, you need to hear Dmitry say it. Marchesssssaaaaa.
Here Georgina is released from her chair and introduces to Marchesa co-founder Keren Craig. (True story: I have so many friends named Karen, I actually spell one’s name keren just to avoid awkward wrong numbers.) Keren looks like--you know how on the old sit-coms like I Dream of Jeannie and Bewitched, Jeannie and Samantha put on dark wigs to play their own “dark” cousin? (or sister, whatever) That’s what’s going on with Keren and Georgina. Like, they have to be filmed with a split screen.
To the left: designers. To the right: (according to Michelle) Beautiful Sparkling Women. And Dana. Who is engaged to the “amazing” Peter. And who hasn’t decided on her bridesmaid dresses yet.
So, the challenge is a dress that can be worn on other occasions. (see paragraph above) The prize - Blingy-bling dishes, diamonds, seats at the Marchesa fashion show. Oh, and everybody in the cast is invited to the runway wedding, officiated by Alyssa, who became ordained just for this.
I’ll spare many details from the process, save to say that Dmitry touches Michelle’s boobs, after which she eats yogurt and lies to his back saying the dress is “pretty,” while telling the camera she thinks it’s hideous. Do not turn the workroom into a den of lies, Michelle. Sonjia has drawn a blank and is just going to drape and drape and drape until something works out. Then she cries in her salad.
I picture Dana crying into her salad someday, when she looks through her wedding album.
Fabio has chosen to work with silk organza, because apparently he’s never seen an episode of this show.
Zannah comes in with Edward Chapman, Marchesa CEO and Georgina’s brother. Hubba, am I right, ladies? He strolls through, helping with the mentoring. Their pearls of wisdom:
“Simplicity always helps.” (Because Marchesa is ALL about the simplicity.)
“You need to take it from business to bridesmaid.”
“You have a very minimal taste level.”
“You have the master draper’s brother right here…”
The guest judge is Cat Deely. Who, I’m pretty sure is also Keren Craig.
The whole episode is basically a celebration of English Cheekbones.
The Runway! I’ll give you a quip from each designer as the models strutted the way only bridesmaids can…
“it’s beautiful and it’s flawless, but the back is really boring.” -- Helen
Helen: You used the matte and shiny?
“Oooh, yes, girrrl.” --Michelle
I know you’re shocked, but Michelle’s was my favorite - even with the fit issues. At least it was interesting. I think it’s the blandness (with bonus uber-formality) that makes so many bridesmaid dresses unwearable.
“I think if you put five bridemaids in this dresses, they’re going to look happy and beautiful.”
“I feel like bridesmaids are always so covered up and boring. Like--show a little skin.” -- Sonjia
How many weddings has she been to? Because there’s nothing like a bridesmaid’s dress to make a girl go looking for bra solutions. And Sonjia's dress is so...confused.
The winning designer is Helen! Which, I don’t really get, because I think her dress looks the least bridesmaids-y of them all. Like, it skipped the wedding and went straight to the corporate dinner.
Dmitry is safe.
Michelle and Fabio are on the bottom, and Fabio goes home. And I’m totally OK with that. He gets on his knees to give Alyssa a kiss, which was sweet, though. Thus ends another...
Oh--wait! It’s not over, there’s the wedding. The awkward, promotional wedding.
Right, the “wedding.” As in “sure, we will pretend to get married on cable television but we’ll do the real thing with family, in a building with architectural detail, and do these lights make me look sweaty? Because I feel sweaty.”
“Some say love is like fashion. It may have its ups and downs, but it never goes out of style.”
Really? Who are the some that say that? I kinda want to punch them in the throat with a Marchesa diamond.
Agreed. Go for it.
What did you think, readers?